A: "Can I help you?"
B: "I can't help you. Please stop bothering me, idiot."I know, I know. It is difficult to tell them apart. They are both talking about helping you, the Customer. Still can't figure it out? The answer is B. Note that the quote was not a question, thereby indicating that the employee had to be sought out by the customer. This may have also been a bit of a trick question because both employees pictured are smiling. If I could have found a candid photo of a German retail employee, you'd clearly notice the lack of a smile.
We went grocery shopping yesterday afternoon. As is usual, we made our rounds to various stores. (Grocery shopping is generally a two or three store trip.) On display in the main aisle of the second store were boxes of plastic Christmas trees. We've been debating whether or not to get a tree at all this year. Unfortunately for us, there was no price listed on the trees. We sought out the nearest employee. She was stocking shelves with Christmas decorations just a few feet away from us.
Customer: "Excuse me, do you know how much these are?"
Employee: "No."
[brief pause for cricket sound effect]
Customer: "Could you find out?"
Employee: "You can bring them to the information desk and they can tell you."
Indeed we could, if we wanted to drag a four foot long box through the store just to find out the price. Needless to say, we passed on buying a tree yesterday.
That incident probably wouldn't be worth mentioning if it were a one time occurrence. However, that is pretty much the vibe you get anytime you ask a store employee for help. Even when they aren't engaged in any foreseeable activity.
But wait, retail shoppers, there's more.
Today we ran out to Praktiker, a big-box hardware store. Although not as big as a Home Depot or Lowe's, I was impressed. This place was big - it even had two floors! We went there in search of some funny sized light bulbs and a new toilet seat.
Mission accomplished, we returned home to replace some bulbs and fit the new seat on the ol' throne. As soon as I opened the box for the toilet seat I thought "uh oh." All the parts were plastic. It definitely looked and felt cheap. And sure enough, it didn't fit the toilet. Back we went.
I've heard rumors about this part of the retail experience and I certainly wasn't excited about seeing it firsthand. As we pulled in to the parking lot, I asked Her if "this isn't going to turn into some sort of major hassle?" No, I was assured, because we had a legitimate reason for returning it.
[Side note: What isn't a legitimate reason for returning something here? Apparently price. If you find a product cheaper elsewhere and try to return it to the original store you will be laughed at.]
We showed our receipt at the customer service desk. They made a copy of the receipt for us to present upstairs to the other employees. We were also told to carry the toilet seat upstairs. Uh oh. Normally I'm used to the front desk telling me to leave the product with them, grab a new one and return to the desk for an easy exchange. It seemed to me that an inspection was coming.
We got upstairs and talked to the first employee we could find. He was by far the youngest person working in the store. We explained why we wanted to return this one. Without hesitation, he opened the box, inspected the contents and said "You've got to be kidding." The lid appeared smudged, as if it had been used. Our receipt was not even an hour old at this point. If there were smudges, it was from unwrapping and trying to install it.
He called his colleauge over for backup. It quickly became apparent that this older man had taught the Kid all he knew about customer service. Right away, Old Man told us that this should fit and that if it didn't, there was something wrong with us, not the seat. He showed us how it adjusts for different sizes, which we knew and tried. All we wanted was a new one. A better quality one. One without cheap plastic parts. One that we'd be willing to PAY MORE MONEY FOR. That didn't matter. What mattered to him was what he would have to do with this opened product.
My German isn't good enough for an argument at this level and I felt totally helpless. I've seen situations like this from the other end I know what they'd be thinking if I did try to help. I'm the dumb foreigner who can't even speak the language; no wonder I couldn't put the seat in properly. But She fought valiantly and finally convinced the
We weren't more than five steps away when Old Man began talking about us with the Kid. I didn't hear what he said, but She did. She stopped in her tracks, turned around and proceeded to give him hell. (I was later told what he said was a much more direct assault on our collective intelligence.) She asked for his name and we marched back to the customer service desk to launch a complaint and get our money back.
This is where returning things gets really weird.
The clerk paged the manager who showed up instantly. He was a tall guy, dressed in a suit. He seemed to look like he'd take this seriously. As soon as She told him what had happened he sprang to life. The Manager wanted to talk to us in his office. Here's where I figured the apology and ass-kissing would take place. Soften the blow from the idiotic employee in the hopes that maybe one day we might return to the store.
Instead, he has the Old Man paged and brings him into the office with us. Suddenly, the Manager is now playing Judge and Jury, listening to both sides argue over whether or not Old Man called us stupid. I am asked a question or two and again feel utterly useless and can't say much without sounding like an idiot. From the look on the Manager's face, this whole scenario had to be the highlight of his day. In the end, nothing is really resolved. We get some half-hearted apologies from the Manager and are able to get our money back. All this over a toilet seat.
We left furious and vowing never to shop there again. (I hope you don't either!) All She wanted to do was go home. I had to gently remind her that unless she doesn't mind hovering, we still needed to solve this problem because we had already thrown the old toilet seat out.
As we drove, we passed an ad for a nearby hardware store called Gottschalks. She had never been there before but we decided to stop in. So that you don't think every retail experience here is as described above, we were greeted as soon as we entered the store. We found what we needed, then browsed the store a little bit. We were even asked if there was anything else we were looking for or if we needed help!
I guess good customer service does exist here. Just don't go around expecting it.
A smeared toilet seat? That one made me laugh. What a nightmare! The Mann talks all the time about how terrible German "customer service" is and how that's one thing he loves about the U.S. Sigh.
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